the right to hold you
In 2015, our family welcomed our third child to the chaos through the emotional and complex reality of adoption. Our son was almost three when he became part of our family, and I blogged about the experience for a little over a year. This section of my website contains the archives of that blog, which I called “the right to hold you.” If I wrote about adoption today, my words probably wouldn’t mirror what I wrote in 2014/15, but I’ve left them as originally authored for authenticity. Our little guy has been with us for over 6 years, and if I write about him today, it’s likely to be in the context of parenting a child with disabilities.
A really long layover... (or a 2-yr home update)
But if I’m honest, really, brutally honest -- there have been so many times in the last twenty one months where I’ve just wanted to scream, “I’m not in *@#&% Holland!!” There are no tulips, or windmills, or cute wooden shoes. No lazy bike rides along the river, or stunning Rembrandt's to distract us. There are no blonde girls with matching braids and interlocking arms harmonizing folk songs in my ear as I work through the trauma of mothering a child who wasn’t touched for the first three years of his life. I’m just. not. there.
Where We're At: June 21, 2015 (Three months home)
Honestly, it’s really hard to tell exactly how bonding is going. On one hand, he definitely responds much better to people in general. Little dude LOVES to be held, and would be content if someone held him all day. Considering that they told me at the orphanage that he didn’t like to be touched, I’d say we’ve come a long way. It breaks my heart a little bit to think of him not being touched for so long, and how he probably desperately wanted/needed that but had no way to communicate that to his caregivers.
Please see them...
I’m going to tell you their stories. Because their stories make them real. Because they ARE real. And they deserve to be seen, if only here on the lonely pages of the internet. And you might be thinking, “Well, we never plan to adopt, so I’ll just skip on past this post and catch back up when there are more pictures of that adorable baby.” Please read it anyway. For them. Simply SEE them, if nothing else.
Fake it 'til you make it...
I’m a processor – I have a deep need to understand WHY I feel how I do, where it comes from, and what I can do to make it better. And as I struggled through the trials of being a first-time mama, I often asked myself, “Did I secretly think this was going to be easy?” But guys, the answer is no. The answer is worse. I didn’t think it would be easy, I thought I would be better at it.
Where We’re At: March 27, 2015 (One Weekish Home)
Our children are all surprising us every day, and it’s humbling to think about our role in their lives. We want to do this (parenting) well, and often our worst enemy is ourselves. They are patient, and forgiving, and full of joy. Boo is a beautiful little boy, and we are grateful to be on this journey with him.
Mama's gotcha baby!
This, my friends, is what redemption looks like. Forgotten becomes rejoiced over. Abandoned becomes sought out. Discarded becomes fought for. Despair becomes hope. Broken becomes loved. Darkness becomes light. Death becomes life. An orphan becomes a son and brother.
Where We're At: March 8, 2015
On Friday and Saturday, we went to the baby house in the morning and afternoon to get to know our little man. We stayed as long as they would let us, and were able to feed him, change him, help him on the potty and put him to to bed. We were feeling a little cooped up inside, so they let us take him out for a walk and try out the playground. He was a totally different child outside.
Feelings, nothing more than feelings. . .
There is so much unknown in this trip, and I honestly struggle a lot with not having control. I’m not sure how Boo will feel about us, how deep his grief will be over losing his home, his language, his caretakers. I’m not sure how or if he will eat and sleep once he's with me. Or if the clothes I bring will fit. Or anything really.
the very hungry catepillar
The basic idea is that once an adoptive child comes home, they kind of need a “reset” of sorts. This is especially true of older and internationally adopted children. Everything in their life has changed dramatically, and “experts” seem to agree that there is value is spending a little bit of time hunkering down once you are home.What this looks like varies from family to family, and the length of time is dependent on the individual child (and what the rest of the family can handle).
Where We're At: January 19, 2015
So what does that mean for us? Well, now my Type-A, slightly OCD, crazy mode has started to set in. There are a decent amount of logistical arrangements that need to be made, a pretty decent chunk of money that still needs to be paid, and a billion things to look up on the internet. As my mind swirls with all of the things I need to make happen and I try to Google away the panic, I can’t help thinking, “Why on earth didn’t I look this up before?” And, oh yeah, I still haven’t finished that one really important book. Ummm, or that other one actually. Aaaaaaaaah!